Sweet gravy, I realized after my last post that it had been over two years since I posted a picture of myself.
I'm old.
Kinda.
I'm gettin' there. I can feel it in my bones. I'll be turning 22 in a couple of weeks, I need to start looking in to my retirement.
But in all seriousness, I was looking at some of my older posts, mostly the more profound ones that I wrote when I thought I was good at writing. It's funny to look back and see how I have changed in many ways... but also have stayed the same.
I wrote a few posts on how I need to trust the Lord more and make the best out of my situation. APPEARENTLY I have not learned that lesson well enough because I still struggle with that.
Frankly my senior has been the hardest year of college for me. I thought I wanted to get out of Flagstaff in the past... boy howdy, I was way off base. My living situation has been a struggle this year (if you ever need motivation to get married or live alone, just live with three other girls for four years). I struggled with being open and vulnerable in terms of dating, and even when I was, it came back to bite me. But mostly I struggled with what I wanted to do with my life after graduation.
My parents moved to Virginia last January and I spent the summer with them and had an awesome internship with a non profit organization in Northern Virginia. It was great to be near family for once for a summer. Not only was I with my parents, but I spent a lot of time with my brother and sister in law and my adorable nephew (and I'm not being biased. He really is freaking adorable).
I started my senior year of college I feeling like I could take on the world. I was almost done with school, and I had done well in school, so that wasn't much of a concern for me. I had great friends here, and I promised myself that under no circumstances would I let a boy distract me from finishing up the school year strong.
As my first semester started to draw to a close however, I found that I was struggling with myself. The real world was creeping up on me and I realized that I had a lot to do in the coming months. I wasn't ready for it.
I also found that people that I thought were my friends really just made it harder to love myself. I felt the pressure to please people and cater to their needs in order to spare their feelings, when in reality, they didn't care about mine. It sucked a lot of energy out of me.
And of course, I let a boy distract me. The funny thing is, all three of these things kind of intertwined.
By the time February hit, I was a mess. I still didn't know what I wanted to do after graduation, I felt trapped in a friendship that was just a farce, and I was so confused over where I was going with a dumb boy.
Then it all sort of clicked.
I had a family emergency in February and spent two consecutive weekends out of town and with my family. While the circumstances were not favorable, being with those who truly cared about me helped me get back on track. I could look at things with a better perspective. I felt recharged.
Soon after that I went to San Diego for spring break. After that, things were different.
I finally had to accept the fact that I can't please everyone, and I'm not required to do so. I have to do what is best for me and I can't let other people dictate my actions.
Last semester I created a list of potential places to go after graduation: Virginia to work, Utah to work, Quebec for grad school, or to stay in Flag and work. There were pros and cons to each place and I killed myself over trying to decide where to go. I would pray and fast, but still would not get a sufficient answer.
It wasn't until about a month ago that I made my decision. After months of demanding Heavenly Father to make the decision for me, I made it. And I was happy with it.
I'm moving to Provo in August; already have my apartment (the job is another thing, but I'm working on it). After four years of wanting to go to Utah, but knowing that it wasn't the right time, I finally feel like that time is now. I'm ready for it.
As for the friend situation, well it's still a struggle. I've definitely learned a lot more patience when it comes to dealing with difficult people... But it also helps to know that I'll be leaving the state in a few months.
And as for the boy... Things didn't turn out the way that I wanted them to, but hindsight is such a great thing. Yeesh. Plus I'll be moving to a place where there's a lot more fish in the sea, so that helps me sleep real good at night.
So I guess there has been some change over the last couple of years. I can see how I've grown, but I can also see where I still need to grow.
I'm just excited for the chance to do that.
