I'm Like The Crypt Keeper

Sweet gravy, I realized after my last post that it had been over two years since I posted a picture of myself.

I'm old.

Kinda.

I'm gettin' there.  I can feel it in my bones.  I'll be turning 22 in a couple of weeks, I need to start looking in to my retirement.

 

But in all seriousness, I was looking at some of my older posts, mostly the more profound ones that I wrote when I thought I was good at writing.  It's funny to look back and see how I have changed in many ways... but also have stayed the same.

I wrote a few posts on how I need to trust the Lord more and make the best out of my situation.  APPEARENTLY I have not learned that lesson well enough because I still struggle with that.

Frankly my senior has been the hardest year of college for me.  I thought I wanted to get out of Flagstaff in the past... boy howdy, I was way off base.  My living situation has been a struggle this year (if you ever need motivation to get married or live alone, just live with three other girls for four years). I struggled with being open and vulnerable in terms of dating, and even when I was, it came back to bite me. But mostly I struggled with what I wanted to do with my life after graduation.

My parents moved to Virginia last January and I spent the summer with them and had an awesome internship with a non profit organization in Northern Virginia. It was great to be near family for once for a summer. Not only was I with my parents, but I spent a lot of time with my brother and sister in law and my adorable nephew (and I'm not being biased. He really is freaking adorable).

I started my senior year of college I feeling like I could take on the world. I was almost done with school, and I had done well in school, so that wasn't much of a concern for me. I had great friends here, and I promised myself that under no circumstances would I let a boy distract me from finishing up the school year strong.

As my first semester started to draw to a close however, I found that I was struggling with myself.  The real world was creeping up on me and I realized that I had a lot to do in the coming months. I wasn't ready for it.

I also found that people that I thought were my friends really just made it harder to love myself. I felt the pressure to please people and cater to their needs in order to spare their feelings, when in reality, they didn't care about mine. It sucked a lot of energy out of me.

And of course, I let a boy distract me. The funny thing is, all three of these things kind of intertwined.

By the time February hit, I was a mess.  I still didn't know what I wanted to do after graduation, I felt trapped in a friendship that was just a farce, and I was so confused over where I was going with a dumb boy.

Then it all sort of clicked.

I had a family emergency in February and spent two consecutive weekends out of town and with my family. While the circumstances were not favorable, being with those who truly cared about me helped me get back on track. I could look at things with a better perspective. I felt recharged.

Soon after that I went to San Diego for spring break. After that, things were different.

I finally had to accept the fact that I can't please everyone, and I'm not required to do so.  I have to do what is best for me and I can't let other people dictate my actions.

Last semester I created a list of potential places to go after graduation: Virginia to work, Utah to work, Quebec for grad school, or to stay in Flag and work.  There were pros and cons to each place and I killed myself over trying to decide where to go. I would pray and fast, but still would not get a sufficient answer.

It wasn't until about a month ago that I made my decision. After months of demanding Heavenly Father to make the decision for me, I made it. And I was happy with it.

I'm moving to Provo in August; already have my apartment (the job is another thing, but I'm working on it). After four years of wanting to go to Utah, but knowing that it wasn't the right time, I finally feel like that time is now. I'm ready for it.

As for the friend situation, well it's still a struggle.  I've definitely learned a lot more patience when it comes to dealing with difficult people... But it also helps to know that I'll be leaving the state in a few months.

And as for the boy... Things didn't turn out the way that I wanted them to, but hindsight is such a great thing. Yeesh.  Plus I'll be moving to a place where there's a lot more fish in the sea, so that helps me sleep real good at night.

So I guess there has been some change over the last couple of years. I can see how I've grown, but I can also see where I still need to grow.

I'm just excited for the chance to do that.

Better Late than Never

It has become an awful habit of mine lately of staying up past four in the morning.  I've done it several times in the last couple of weeks, and I'm about to do it again as I sit with my laptop at 3:30. 

Mom, if you're reading this.  I'm sorry.

I think it's a combination of homework, a busy and stressed mind, and the fact that I honestly am more creative past midnight.  Long live the night owl.

As my days as a college student are winding down (15 more school days to be exact), I've found sleep to be something desired, but not always respected.  I think I just appreciate it more in the morning than I do at night. 

Anyway, yes.  I am graduating people.  It seems unreal, but I think that's mostly the denial that I still have A LOT to do before my last day.  But I'm not really here to talk about graduation; that can wait, honestly.

I mostly just wanted to express my disappointment in myself for not writing more on this stinkin' blog.  Yeah, I know in my last post that I wrote ages ago that I was working on other creative projects, so I don't feel too bad... but really, I kinda do.  I hate seeing things neglected (like my journal, but I know where my strengths lie, and they are apparently not in journaling).  My mom always encouraged me to keep up with this blog because my three readers (haha... but really though) would be sad if I didn't keep it up.  But at the end of the day, I was the one who was sad that I didn't keep it up (another point that she brought up).  Mom-1, Camille-0. 

I hate looking back and thinking, "Well frick, I don't remember when this certain event transpired because I didn't document it".  After nearly 22 years, I'm starting to see the benefit of journaling...

At any rate, I can't promise that I'll be a stellar blogger.  I certainly won't dedicate more time to it than my other writing pursuits.

But I do know that continuing this blog will help me become a better writer, even if I am the only one who reads my posts (which I do a lot because I happen to find myself hilarious). 

I'm not sure which direction I'll go with my blog now.  I have a lot of pictures to post and tons of adventures to share with and without Twinkie- Oh yes folks, the Twinkster lives on.

For now... for now I think I'll just give a little taste as to what has been going on. 

That's all I can promise for right now.

I

Not Today

Well.

It's been a while.

Okay, I have a good excuse for not writing for about six months. 

Let me rewind and go back a little.



Sophomore year- Done.

Summer- Done.

Killing myself over my Junior of college- Still in progress. 

Alright, alright, you're probably wanting more details than that.  Let's see, over the summer I worked as a lifeguard for a summer camp for kids.  Oh the memories of lifeguarding..... not all of them are good.

My summer really wasn't all that exciting.  I certainly didn't go on a grand adventure to Europe like I did two years ago.  I didn't spend half the summer exploring Flagstaff like I did last year.  This year I worked and at the end of July, I went on a cross country road trip with my parents and my brother and sister-in-law.  All the pictures are on my old phone, so I'll go into greater detail on that at another time.  I know, the suspense must be killing you. 

The biggest thing to come out of my summer is an idea for a book.  I won't go into much detail because what's the fun in that?  Let's just say that I either have super weird (and slightly disturbing) dreams, or dreams that give me great ideas that my creativity can take and run with.  The idea for my book (actually books) was one of those instances.  So instead of spending more time writing for my blog, like I should have been, I have spent the last several months in hyper creative mode, constructing a story and writing.  Oh, and also drawing, because I am a visual learning and I feel better connected to my characters if I sketch them out.  I'll try and post some of those too.

Either way, this is just a quick update to say that I am in fact still alive.  I will post more, but not today (see that clever tie in to the title?  You can thank Twenty One Pilots for that inspiration).

P.S.  I have come to realize that I am a terrible photographer when it comes to documenting my life.  I'd like to say that I have good pictures to post but I don't.... I just have double-chinned snapchats that no one but my roommates should have to witness.... I'll try and do better by the time Thanksgiving rolls around.

Alright, I'm done.  This girl still has to start her homework. 
 

Things I Can Do Now That I'm An Adult (Kinda)

It hit me a couple days ago that my birthday is in a month.  In a few short weeks, I will no longer be a teenager. I'll be the big 2-0. Now, I'm not exactly sure how it works, but I'm pretty positive that things will magically change once the clock hits midnight on May 8th.


Wait.

What? What do you mean I won't gain a vast amount of knowledge about life as soon as I turn 20?!

That's okay. I've learned that there things I can do since I am an adult (but not a real adult yet, because the real world is scary).

- If I want to wear a cardigan more than once a week, I am perfectly fine to do so. In fact, everyone is. Go ahead, try it.The Fashion Police are not going to come find you and express their disappoint in your wardrobe choice. Mostly because you're probably not famous, so they won't care. No one cares. Hey, wear it three times a week for all I care ( Which I don't, because I may or may not have done that this week. But it was one time! Quit judging).

-When I accidentally drop a plate, I don't have to be sad about it! When I was little, I would be so heartbroken for having shattered one of my parent's plates. But when I broke my own, It happened to be the funniest thing to have happened to me that day. It also happened to be about one in the morning after an extremely long day, so take that information how you will.

- I can blow up marshmallow peeps in my microwave to my heart's content without my parents making me eat them afterwards. And that, my friends, is a beautiful freedom.

Because, let's face it; peeps are gross.

-  I can lay on the floor in utter defeat because sometimes life is hard. (Throwing a mini grown-up tantrum is acceptable, right? Right?!)

At any rate, turning 20 in a few months really won't change much, because apparently, nothing is stopping me from ridiculous things that are only deemed appropriate when you happen to be a college student. Go figure.

An Accidental Spring Break

Right now, I'm in the middle of my Spring Break, and it has...turned out differently than I originally intended.  My first plan was to go to Utah and spend time with family in Logan and Provo.  That changed when I had to work on Monday and Tuesday.  I decided to stay in Flagstaff and just do things with friends.  

So far I have:

-Unsuccessfully tried to light steel wool on fire at Lake Mary (we ended up watching a movie about a giant spider. Ended up being a pretty good night).  

-Spent Monday afternoon in Sedona where I rediscovered that the world is full of interesting people.  But hey, it's a beautiful town.... almost too beautiful.

One of the interesting people I found in a gift shop.

Twinkie got some sun in the surreal city that is Sedona.

-Had a crepe dinner with friends and watched a Norwegian movie about a troll hunter (I guess my friends and I just like to see how many weird movies we can watch).

-Gone hiking in Oak Creek Canyon for the first time.  I didn't get any pictures, but I guess that only gives me an excuse to do it again. 

-Driven down to Scottsdale to catch a Diamond Backs game for spring training.  We also drove up to the South Mountain to overlook the valley before the rain came in.  Oh, and I also bought a Snuggie from Goodwill.  

 

Currently, I am sitting on the floor in my bedroom, waiting for my mom to roll into town.  We're going to Phoenix tomorrow morning.

It's not what I had in mind for the perfect spring break, but I guess just because you want something different, doesn't mean that what you've already got is pretty dang good.

Season's Greetings

Flagstaff, Arizona; where the weather's made up and the seasons don't matter.

Would you believe me if I told you that only a few weeks ago, I was playing soccer barefoot outside?
Well it's true, and I had a broken toenail picture to prove it (but I won't post that here, no one needs that mental image).  The weather in Flag had gotten so nice, people were proclaiming something about global warming and the end of the world.  For me, it just seemed like a good excuse to do minimal homework and maximum fun.  Kayleen and I ended up taking a Saturday to go hiking and it was a day well spent.

While the weather was absolutely beautiful, I did kind of missed the idea of winter.  I thought it would be fun for once to go snowboarding with snow that didn't have to be pre-made.  Looks like I got what I wished for.  Two weeks ago, we were hit with a storm that gave us a foot in a day.

No complaints on my end.

Unfortunately, midterms got in the way, and I didn't get to enjoy the snow as much as I would have wanted.  In any case, the snow didn't last too long and we're now looking at spring showers.

Yeah, Flagstaff is weird.

Now, that I think about it, I don't really know why I felt the need to write about the weather of northern Arizona.  I guess, if anyone is wanting to move here, consider yourself warned.

Fantômes de Guerre

This has been a very difficult post for me to write. Usually I get an idea and I can bust out a few paragraphs in no time. I'm posting this after over a year of it sitting in my drafts. That's not to say that this will be the best post of all time, but hopefully someone will get something out of my muddled thoughts.

  

There are many different war memorials and museums that I visited on my trip. This was to be expected, of course; many of the battles fought in both world wars took place in France, a country where we spent a lot of our time. I came to notice something that I haven't observed as much in the US. The land seemed scarred. Countrysides that had been marred by artillery shells, trenches that had been sliced through the earth, villages left as just a little more than heaps of rubble. All of these wounds of war were just left there. They were ghosts of warfare that happened nearly a century ago.

After visiting Verdun, France, and Fort De Douaumont, my party and I came to the conclusion that perhaps the French people left things as they were because it was a part of their past.  Instead of covering up the scars, or putting everything on display, they left it.  War history is so engrossed in their past, it's something that defines the country.

There's a lot that I wish I could say about these photos.  I wish I could write my thoughts eloquently as to why these were some of my favorite pictures from the trip.  But a picture has a thousand words, so I'll let them do the talking.